I've seen this a couple times, and I find it not only amusing, but completely true. Enjoy...
  Jewish mothers want their children to marry other Jews. Catholics mothers want their children to marry other Catholics. Mormon mothers want their children to marry other Mormons. Besides their desire to help their children avoid the stress that different belief systems can have on a marital relationship, they also want to ensure that their progeny remain faithful in their respective belief system. I understand this concept, as I am both a product and victim of such pressures. As a Mormon, I understand the necessity of marrying within my religious boundaries--if for no other reason--because regular people think we are weird. And, they're sort of right. Ok, totally right. We're weird. Get over it. Most LDS singles marry in the 20-25 year old age range. We marry young. Agree with the wisdom of this concept or not, mormon people marry young--except for those that don't. I, my patient reader, am one that did not. And, indeed, may not.You want to know why, don't you? Well, I'm sure all my friends and relatives have their own hypotheses. I'm abrasive. I'm combative. I look like I'm mad all the time. I'm too tall. I act like I'm smarter than everybody else. I'm cynical. My expectations are too high. I'm too prudish. I'm too slutty. I've heard all of these from "friends" or family.Well, you're all wrong. The real reason lies in Emily K's Theory of the Mormon Scale of Attractiveness. Allow me to explain...
Here, you see a depiction of a normal Scale of Attractiveness. You are, I am sure, not wholly unfamiliar with this scale as it is a rather common assessment of beauty.
Here you see two adult people of "Average Hotness", both a "5" on the scale in the normal, everyday world. In this normal, everyday world, the ratio of single men to single women is pretty much 1:1. There are as many single men as their are single women.
This ratio does not hold true for the Mormon community, however. Since men tend to drift away from the teachings of the LDS church at a higher rate than women, the ratio of men to women skews a bit, becoming 1:2 or even 1:3 or 4 in some areas of the country.
In an area where there are 3 or 4 Mormon women to ever 1 Mormon man, the balance of power is thrown off. All of a sudden, men who would otherwise get no attention from women become desired commodities, merely because the demand is so high on the limited supply. How does this affect our scale?
Emily K. suggests that, because of the abundance of women, a Mormon woman will move down two points on the scale of attractiveness, while a Mormon man will move up two points. Two people who used to be equals are now 4 levels of attractiveness away from each other.
This movement on the scale causes women of normal attractiveness to consider themselves fugly, impeding their ability to make wise dating decisions. It also inflates the ego of average mormon men into thinking they are more of a catch than they truly are.
Here is another example. Average man sees Beautiful Woman. In the Regular world, he would think her out of his league.
In the Mormon world, since they each slide, they are now considered equals, while Average Man's actual equal, Average Woman, is left down in the "3" range with men that could have started at a Fugly "1" on the scale.
You can scoff at this theory all you want. But, I'm telling you that I've seen it in action. Look around you at church--notice that average men are hooking up with women WAY out of their league all over the place. How many times have I had to listen to my thin, beautiful friends at church cry because none of the ugly guys at church give them even the slightest romantic attention? Every size 8 Mormon woman thinks she's fat. All the women are insecure and all the men have ridiculously high opinions of themselves.
This female insecurity leads my fellow mormon women to act in the most juvenile of ways. There is constant scheming to, not only attract male attention their way (through baked goods or dinner parties), but also put down all women around them (this is obviously not true of ALL Mormon women, but it IS a VERY common phenomenon).
Emily's full theory includes extra-notch-up-moving for men who went on missions or hold a high position at church--but, I'm going to exclude that aspect of the theory for now to let you all respond. I get the feeling you'll have a response.


The Tool

I met James in our singles ward. He seemed nice enough so when he asked me out, I said yes. After several dates I knew James was not the one for me. I told him this and he did not  take it well. After he stopped crying and being butt hurt he decided we could be friends. About 3 months later I needed a place to live and he had a room in his townhouse. He told me an amount for monthly rent that I felt wasn't quite fair to him, so I've paid him more then that each month, even after I lost my job and had zero income. We do our own thing and don't really see much of one another. Last week I had a friend coming to town from California for her cousin's wedding. James acted weird when I brought up her staying here. So I told Jaime she should probably find another place to stay, which I hated doing because I really wanted her to stay with me. She was able to arrange accommodations for every night except Thursday, her first night in town. After exhausting her options I told her to just crash with me that night. It was late so I didn't text James to let him know. Here is the drama(events and texts) that took place:

  James: "Did you invite your friend to stay in my house? I saw a car with California plates on the street."
  Me: "Yeah, I did. She needed a place for last night."
  James: "Quite disrespectful without my approval. But last night only, fine."

I didn't respond because I thought that was a total dick thing to say. The more I thought about it the less I wanted anything to do with him. So I "unfriended" him on Facebook.

  James: "Did you delete me from facebook? Your pic doesn't show up on my phone contacts list anymore."

No response.
A couple hours later...

  James: "Ok so you did delete me from facebook. Whether it was on purpse or not, I don't know. But if you're mad at me for not allowing jaime to stay at my home, then that's fine. It's my house, my rules. I have never let any of my friends stay the night, cuz I don't want them here... I wanted you to move in, cuz I knew your situation was crappy with that one chick. It's been fun having you here. But I'm not a pushover, and deleting me from facebook for this is(if it's the real reason) is rather pathetic. Again, if I'm mistaken, then I'm sorry. But I don't know why else you'd delete me. Anyway, I just didn't want another person in my home. It wasn't anything personal against you or jaime. With that being said, I'm not mad at you, just disappointed that you would go behind my back and not get my permission. I'm leaving to Illinois the first week of May. You can stay here for two more weeks, but I expect you and all your stuff to be moved out by May 2nd. You're still my friend. I hope we're still friends. But, if you are mad at me, so be it.  I'm not mad at you. And honestly, I do hope your new job is going well."

I didn't write back to him. I've had planned for well over 6 months that I would be moving in with a very close friend at the end of April/beginning of May. I told him this several times. I wasn't going to waste my time with an A-hole on a power trip. After making a comment on facebook about how excited I was to move out because my roommate was being a tool, I get this text from James...

  James: "Apparently I'm a 'tool'? That's nice of you to say. It's unbelievable  how you've blown this way out of proportion. I never did anything to you, but you go and delete me from facebook, so you can talk crap behind my back. I thought we were friends. But apparently you not getting your way, can change things in an instant. Oh well, I guess you can't please everyone."

I couldn't help but laugh out loud at how ridiculous he was being. Yes, I completely agree it was blown way out of proportion, but by whom? I wrote him a long email. I haven't sent it yet, but I'm sure I will. I just feel bad for the little guy. He probably thought I'd fall in love with him if I moved in... Now he has nothing better to do then to stalk me on facebook. Sad.



If He:
  • Smokes
  • Doesn't open the door for me. (I'm completely capable of opening my own door, I've been doing it now for 20+ years. It's about RESPECT)
  • Talks to my chest more then to my face.
  • Has hair longer then mine.
  • Informs me when the check comes that we're going dutch.
  • Drops the F bomb more times then I can count. (This only applies to guys I'm dating. Mugs, you're fine)
  • Asks me to drive. (I don't mind meeting him somewhere, but I'm not picking him up)
  • Is rude to waiters. That's just not cool, bro.
  • Wears Ed Hardy. If you agree or have no idea what this is, that's why we're friends.
  • Drives a Ford Mustang. Especially any model from the 90's.
  • Wears tighter pants then me.
  • Has a tattoo of a naked or scantly clad woman.
  • Wears pants that have sparkly gems on the back pockets.
  • Is prettier then me. Everyone that knows me knows I hate  competition.
  • Is a douche bag.